EVOLVE Communities

Over the years, I have got a great kick out of bringing facilitation and community engagement skills into personal event planning – our wedding (80 drums on the beach at sunrise), our daughters naming day; and more recently, as I wrote about in the March edition, the celebration of a ‘century’ – my partner and my 100th (combined) birthday.

In this issue, I wish to reflect on the celebration of a life – a funeral.  This year, I have participated in two very different funerals, a traditional Catholic mass for my Great Uncle, and a celebration of a wonderful musician and friend; Jim Lay, which was conducted within a National Park complete with smoking ceremony. Within the Aboriginal communities who I have been working with, there has been much Sorry Business this year; and I have also had opportunity to experience different approaches to Sorry Business; including in one community, where the funeral is only conducted when and if all of the right people are there (and not at a pre-determined time). Last year, my Great Aunty Muffins, passed on at the grand age of 95. I was away working and in hindsight, wish that I had of created a way of “being there” despite my physical absence. I now have some strategies (read on) for addressing this.

Over the past month, I have felt very privileged to witness my colleague and friend, Nigel Russell and his family, and the way in which they farewelled Nigel’s mother. I thank Nigel for sharing his story (below) and how he and his family facilitated this event to be inclusive of all…whether in Adelaide, New York or not on this world…………………

Nigel’s Story…..
I was totally focused on what needed to happen.  With my sisters, I needed to create a suitable farewell event for my 90 year old activist mother (Rosslyn Russell), and deliver the eulogy.  Now a month down the track, I see what remarkable things come out of adversity and what we are all capable of.  Also,  how closely what happened at that funeral links with what our clients want when they are having productive meetings with people by phone conference or videoconference .  I write this with a picture of mum in front of me.  I think that she is co-editing this!

Here is what we wanted from the funeral event and how it occurred:

We wanted to include a range of people in the occasion, as if they were there.   If you have been to a funeral, then you would be familiar with this feeling of presence and complete belief that you are there with the deceased person and that you feel people who are there and also feel people who are not physically there.  How did we get this at my mother’s farewell?

We did the planning totally believing that we could “be” with people who were not there, and that they would completely “be” there with us.  It became an unspoken truth in all that we did during the planning and at the service.  To capture content for the eulogy, I listed various roles in mum’s life – mother, wife, wartime driver, adventurer, inventor, sustainability activist etc.  That made it easy to put snippets of conversations with friends and family, into some sort of order.

We engaged a celebrant – whose role was to “facilitate” the service.  He asked us about how we wanted the service to feel.  We said that we wanted people to know how THEY had contributed to mum’s (and all of our) lives.  His role allowed me and the other speakers to focus on our bits and he made sure the opening and closing and segues happened smoothly and in context.

We wrote the newspaper pieces and also the Order of Service focussing on people being very welcome to come, and on their contribution “Thank you for enriching her life which will continue to inspire and influence future generations”.  We were engaging them in their own stories with mum.

At the funeral, we spoke to and addressed mum’s coffin.. with all of our heart and soul believing that she is hearing us and that we could hear her.  While we reflected on the past, we also conversed in the present, and included her in the future!  We included my younger son William in the ceremony, even though he was in New York.  We did this by synchronising our times, feeling his presence with us, looking at his physical “space” next to the lectern as we spoke.  Our other son James turned to that space next to the lectern and asked William if he (James) could read William’s poem!  In fact some friends thought that William was actually on a phone or video link.  We included names of some of mum’s friends who had already died, and how their presence and influence in her life is continuing on in the current generation, and into the yet to be born generations. We felt there was no difference between those who were physically present and those who were not.

The lesson?  For me it confirms to me that there needs to be a complete personal belief – that you CAN engage with anyone, wherever they are, if you are willing to totally believe you can.  A funeral service is one place where I think this happens.  Do you see this happening when you watch a young child playing, where they have complete belief in their game?  We ask our business leaders – what opens up to you if you could truly believe that you can engage richly with anyone, wherever they are?

At the funeral it felt wonderful to be inclusive.

I am currently suspended over the beautiful red centre, flying to Cairns having spent a delightful four days at Uluru and Alice Springs. I enjoyed a meeting of the minds over the past two days, facilitating training with 12 passionate, committed people on how to best engage with communities when delivering rural services, especially indigenous communities. I leave with some wonderful reflections and ‘gifts’. While we met at the Centre, people travelled from the East, South and West coasts, and interestingly six participants came from NSW.

As for the immediate, I went to purchase a coffee at the airport before boarding, with increasing franticness I dug deeper into my bag as I realised that that my purse (my ‘mini life’)  was not there. Talk about funny moments. At the hotel I offered two other travellers a lift to the airport in the taxi I had ordered. As it turned out, they had a taxi voucher and generously paid the fare and I therefore did not need to locate my purse. When I got to the check in, the lovely gentleman said that he trusted me and I did not need I.D.  so – you guessed it, I did not need  my purse. If it was not for my delight in caffeine, or if they were giving coffee away for free, I still would have been blissfully ignorant that my purse was awol. Quick phone calls to the motel and taxi confirmed that my purse was at large. My hope is that in my absent minded and mindless fashion, I popped it into my checked luggage. Otherwise, my arrival at Cairns will be most interesting, given that I do not have a contact there. The reason why I am sharing this story, which I think makes it even more amusing, is that I have had reason to immerse myself back into meditation and mindfulness over the past week. And I thought I was getting somewhere………

Over the past 6 months I have spent alot of time away from home for work. While I love what I am doing, which is often in remote parts of the Country without phone coverage, I do miss my daughter and partner terribly. This time I was feeling particularly anxious about being away so long. A number of pathways converged to lead me back into mindfulness, especially as a way of managing anxiety. One of those prompts was a sensational Leading Lights session with Patti Digh ‘What would you be doing today – if you only had 37 days to live?’. Patti was awe inspiring, as was her deep humility and wisdom (and thank you to Andrew Rixon for connecting us with Patti). This session and reading Patti’s work has reinforced a few messages that I know AND so easily forget. First and foremost, the more you surrender a need for ‘perceived’ control, the more deeply you immerse yourself and enjoy the moment. Secondly, every moment of life is special so celebrate that or in Patti’s words “hire the red convertible” (and that is a metaphor of course, you don’t need money to adopt this attitude). We have been doing this at home by having “breakfast celebrations” with a candle or two every other morning. The third was a terrific reminder about how freeing it is to let go of the need to be right. The mindfulness readings have reminded me of how much beauty I miss (so close it could trip me over) spending time thinking about what was or could be. And I thought I was doing very well, up until the airport.

We used open space principles as a platform for our training (especially whatever happens is the only thing that could have and whoever comes are the right people) . The group embraced both these principles and that of the marketplace (free space, choice, contribution, connection, continuity and certainty). We all learnt much from each other. One gift that I was given was the phrase “you must bend at the knees”. This is an expression often used in remote Aboriginal communities to express a person’s willingness to genuinely engage and talk “can they bend at the knees?”. Can they sit down and have a yarn and truly listen. I think that collectively over the two days we shared some strategies to enable even greater flexibility in our ‘knee bending’. These included things like remembering when relating to communities to make it fun and enjoyable – to have a hook, a reason why people want to engage. Once you have that, and with time and space, you will, when it is right, get to the more serious business. And yes isn’t that a universal need after all – for fun and enjoyment.

As for now, I am still wondering about the missing purse and if I will be making Cairns airport my temporary home. I am also cringing and laughing on the inside as unfortunately, this is not the first time I have left a purse (mostly while overseas)  in a taxi, or on a plane, in fact I have kind of lost count of the places and times I have done this! Have I still not got the message…..

That all said I have enjoyed ‘being with you’ over the past 30 mins while writing this and the opportunity to share my thoughts and excitement from the past 2 days……I work with another group in Cairns for the next two days facilitating the same program, knowing that with a different group it will nothing but the same and hoping that I can bring as much attentiveness to this as in Alice Springs, purseless or not.

And here comes the coffee cart………………

Warmly,

Carla

P.S My purse was in my checked bag, However, I did end up sharing a taxi and I did offer to pay, and my lovely new travelling companion insisted – I kid you not!

Carla Rogers | Principal | EVOLVE
www.evolves.com.au
Mob: +61(0) 428628190
Skype: carla.evolve
Linked In: carlaevolve
Twitter: carla_rogers

“My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I’m Happy. I can’t figure it out. What am I doing right?”  – Snoopy, Peanuts

While it may seem counterintuitive, I think Snoopy is on the money for the holiday season. At this time of year, I feel fortunate to luxuriate in aimless endless summer days of beach, books, laughter and fun. What is restorative for me is that there is NO agenda, purpose, expectation - just a pile of library books, which may or may not be opened, with beach towel at the ready.

I spent some time yesterday reflecting on the year past, and in particular the marketplaces that I have run, several at professional conferences. At each of these I asked a similar theme question based on the Solutions Focussed Approach,  to stimulate participant thinking about their ideal future (which could relate to work or play) and then identifying practical steps to move towards this. Interestingly, as I review the 1000’s of lines of data,  seven words were consistently identified irrespective of context (Click here to download the conference marketplace reports). They are:

Time, Open (ning) (ness), Create, Fun, Listen, Accept, Trust

What wonderful ingredients these words make for a Christmas/New Year recipe. Here is mine: In those seemingly endless summer days, I will TRUST and ACCEPT whatever is, enjoying the TIME to CREATE and be OPEN and deeply LISTEN and most of all have FUN with those I love.

I have been having fun with a type of Word Art lately. The image to the right is my Christmas wish for you, using Wordle, to create from as you wish.

Thank you, readers for being part of the Evolve and NoMad community and have a wonderful New Year.

My partner introduced me to this lovely poem 15 years ago, glad we took the risks that we did……..

To laugh is to risk appearing a fool,
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach out to another is to risk involvement,
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.

To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.

To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To live is to risk dying,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.

He may avoid suffering and sorrow,
But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.

Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom.

Only a person who risks is free.
The pessimist complains about the wind;
The optimist expects it to change;
And the realist adjusts the sails.